Death Circle

You wake up with a gasp, your heart beating so fast it feels like it’s going to jump right out of your chest. Hurriedly, you sit up, fat bullets of sweat rolling off your skin. You have to get up. You have to get back on your feet and run and run and run-

“Hey, there, there. Breathe.”

A firm hand lands on your shoulder. The voice is gentle though, so you can’t help but listen to it. The panic is still fresh in your bones, but you try to copy the breathing of the person next to you. In, and out. In, and out. Soon, your breath steadies itself, your heart slowing down to a much more reasonable pace.

“There we go.” The hand rubs small circles against your skin. “It’s okay. You’re okay. It’s over.”

That voice. You know that voice. “…Ereshkigal?”

And indeed, that is her, sitting right next to you. “Hello again, Fujimaru.”

You drag a hand through your hair. “Ah… thank you for saving me, Ereshkigal.” You look around. You’re in a rather barren place. How strange. Weren’t you in a forest earlier? Your memory is fuzzy. “Where are the others?”

She’s frowning. Why is she frowning? It’s a perfectly legitimate question. “We need to find them. How long have I been out? They can’t have gone that far-”

“Fujimaru.” Ereshkigal suddenly calls. Her hand tightens around your shoulder, for some reason. “What’s the last thing you remember?”

The last thing?

Fuck. You can barely string your thoughts together. The last thing? Well you were travelling through a singularity… Someone screamed… You were attacked…

Oh. Oh.

You look down at your chest. It bears no wound, but you remember. You remember. “I… died.”

Ereshkigal nods. She smiles at you, a little sadly. “At least you managed to keep your self-awareness. Most souls that end up here can’t do that much.”

You don’t respond. You… are dead. You died. You were killed. It’s… over.

“You’re in shock.” She states. Her voice seems to come from far, far away. “Don’t move. There is not much in Kur, but if nothing else I can fetch you some water.”

You hear her get up, then leave your side.

Slowly, you raise your head. You are in Kur indeed. You recognize the place. Barren land and barren cliffs. You recognize the place. You’ve come here back when you were alive. You recognize the place. You can see the path you took last time. Here; where you found Ereshkigal. There; where Gilgamesh summoned himself.

You recognize the place.

There; the way you took to enter the last time.

You turn around. Ereshkigal is far away. You don’t recall seeing much water the last time you came. You suppose she must walk quite a bit to get it.

You turn back. The door is still there.

You don’t even hesitate. You get back on your feet, and bolt.

---

“Are you an idiot? Is that what’s going on? Are you an idiot, Fuijmaru?”

With a groan, you open your eyes. You’re laying on your back in Kur once more. Ereshkigal is peering down at you, her anger turning her eyes red. “Hello to you too, Ereshkigal.”

“Don’t you hello me!” Ah, it’s so rare, to see her genuinely angered. It’s good to see she can still let herself be petty. “What were you thinking?”

You’re sure she can guess, so you don’t bother replying. Instead, you sit up, and pat your chest. “… I didn’t die this time.”

“I didn’t need to wait for you to die again. You already died once. That’s enough of a ground for me to drag you down myself.” She pinches the bridge of her nose. “Fine. You want to be active this much? I’ll give you some work, you’ll see.”

True to her words, Ereshkigal shoves you around the entire day. She refuses to engage in friendly conversation with you, which- hurts a bit, you won’t lie. You suppose your last stunt sincerely offended her. As you dig and build and craft under her orders, you keep an eye out for another possible exit. Unfortunately, you find none. It seems like Ereshkigal took your escape to heart, and sealed all physical exits from the underworld.

Fine by you. You don’t need to escape physically anyways. You don’t have a body anymore.

It’s a bit tricky- it’s not a skill you’ve ever used on purpose in life. But when Ereshkigal finally leaves you to sleep, you think back to all the times you’ve dreamed of faraway lands that were too real to be born from your mind alone.

On the first night, you sleep like a log.

On the second night, you dream of a familiar forest. Everything is hazy. There are people you love here. You cannot find them. You cannot touch them.

On the third night-

The butterfly and the man are both real. It’s only a matter of choosing which side you want to wake up to.

On the third night, you [wake up.]

“There we go.” Ah- you are alone, it seems. A shame. Ideally, you’d have wanted to wake up near Mash. You only have a limited time until Ereshkigal chases you down, after all.

Ah, well. You’ll do better next time.

---

“Why are you like this?!”

Ah, you’d missed her voice, actually. It’s a shame you can never stay for long in Kur. “Good morning, Ereshkigal. You are lovely as always.”

She looks like she’s about to physically hit you. “Would it kill you to stay put for five minutes? Just five minutes??”

“Well. Yes. This is the underworld.”

That was, perhaps, not the smartest thing to say. Ereshkigal straddles your waist and grabs your collar, hauling you up. “Why are you like this. You are dead! You were killed! People! Die! When they! Are! Killed! Why won’t you accept that and just stay dead!”

Dying always makes you a little dizzy, and the rough treatment doesn’t help you think. It takes you a few seconds to word a response- but then you realize she’s crying, and you completely forget it. “Ereshkigal…?”

“You are dead.” Her voice cracks on that last word. “You died. You literally died. Why do you keep crawling back up? Why do you keep throwing yourself into danger? You are dead! You are free from your duties! There’s nothing more you can do for them! Just accept it and move on!”

Slowly, you raise a hand. Set it on her cheek. She does not bat you away. “I want to live, Ereshkigal.”

“Do you?” She’s glaring at you. “I remember all the ways you have died prior of me finding you. I have found your soul in tatters. I have seen you mangled to pieces. I have seen you burned to ashes. Is that the life you want? Is that what you crave so badly you cannot even stay put?”

“They need me.” Mash, the Director, Chaldea- they need you. You might have failed them when you died, but that doesn’t mean you can’t try to make amends. “Can’t you understand? Can’t you understand?”

“You are not a god, Ritsuka! You’re a human! You’re a person! Someone like you shouldn’t have to carry the weight of the world, in life or death. Can’t you understand that?!”

“I have to do this! There is no one else who can!”

“Then to hell with them!” She yells, her voice impossibly loud in the deafening silence of Kur. “Stop hurting yourself! Stop martyring yourself! Do you know how they must feel, anytime they see you crawling back to them to step over your own corpse? Do you know how I feel, seeing you suffering again and again and again? Stop that! Literally no one is asking you to do that! You couldn’t spare a single glance at your own needs in life, at least do that after death!”

You don’t want to hear that. You don’t want to hear that from her, of all people. You don’t want to hear that, and so you shut her up, your mouth on her mouth, your hands on her cheeks.

It’s two parts love and one part rage, that fuels the two of you. You wish you could give her something better than this; she deserves better than this, better than unbridled wrath, better than the harsh ground of Kur to lay on, better than the worship of a human mediocre at everything including dying. But that is all that you have, so you take her cock in your mouth, and pray that this is enough.

She goes boneless when she comes. This is the one thing she’s weak to, you realize; fighting, she knows, arguments, she has mastered, but to touch and be touched is still a novelty for the Queen of Kur. Her eyes are closed, her breath heavy.

Belatedly, it occurs to you that you could just- leave. She’s in no state to stop you right now. She might not even notice right away. It would be a horrible, terrible thing to do, but-

“Just go.” She says between pants, making a vague gesture of the hand. “I know you want to. I’ll catch up to you. I always do.”

You cannot stay, for your have your duties; and she will drag you back down again and again, for she has hers. Perhaps this truth, this unspoken permission, is the best compromise the two of you will reach.

Still, you find yourself hesitating. “… When all of this is over, let’s do something together. Origamis, or… something. Sand castles. I don’t know.”

Ereshkigal snorts. She does not reply. When this is all over, you say. Your own death wasn’t enough for you to consider this over. You don’t know when you will finally be free.

“I’ll hold you onto that promise. Now go, I said. Before I change my mind.”

Right. There is no time to hesitate any longer. There are people who need you. You still have a world to hold up.

With a last kiss on her forehead, you turn around, and leave.